Dear Dude,
Perhaps including several pictures of yourself with a dead deer on your online dating profile is not the best way to pick up chicks. I'm just sayin' is all.
xoxo,
Chris
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dear Dude #5
Dear Dude,
I know that getting dumped sucks. Really, I do. I've BEEN there. It's hard. It hurts your feelings. It makes you feel less-than-worthy. I GET it. That being said, there are graceful and not-so-graceful ways to handle a break-up. You, my friend, went decidedly toward the ungraceful when I broke things off with you last week. With that in mind, here is some friendly advice for next time some lovely lady decides she doesn't want to see you anymore:
1. We have only been dating for 3 weeks. It is WAY too soon for you to be (and I quote) "devastated" about us not seeing each other anymore. Seriously, dude, I have a carton of eggs in my fridge that is older than our relationship!
2. Begging me to reconsider won't work. No one looks good when they beg. And, in fact, it really just confirms my decision to dump your overly-sensitive and dramatic butt.
3. Asking me "Did one of your friends tell you to do this?" in an accusatory tone? Really, really, really lame. SUPER lame. I am a grown-ass woman. I don't need my friends to tell me when I need to get the hell out of a bad relationship, thankyouverymuch. Also, see #2 above and add "paranoid" to the list of reasons I dumped you.
4. IM'ing me multiple times to tell me you miss me in the week after I tell you I don't want to see you anymore? Please see #2 above. Forcing me to block you on Google chat, un-friend you on Facebook, and put your phone # into my "don't even let the phone ring" category is NOT the way to win back my heart. I 'm just sayin'
5. Oh yeah, and a bonus piece of advice, just 'cos I'm feeling generous: lying about your age, height, or both on your online dating profile = DUMB. Hint -- I'm going to figure it out sooner or later. I mean, maybe you can manage to hide your driver's license from me for a lifetime, but ain't no way in hell I'm gonna believe you're 5 foot 8 when you're wearing running shoes and I, in all my 5 foot 6 glory, STILL tower over you. In my bare feet.
XOXO,
Chris
I know that getting dumped sucks. Really, I do. I've BEEN there. It's hard. It hurts your feelings. It makes you feel less-than-worthy. I GET it. That being said, there are graceful and not-so-graceful ways to handle a break-up. You, my friend, went decidedly toward the ungraceful when I broke things off with you last week. With that in mind, here is some friendly advice for next time some lovely lady decides she doesn't want to see you anymore:
1. We have only been dating for 3 weeks. It is WAY too soon for you to be (and I quote) "devastated" about us not seeing each other anymore. Seriously, dude, I have a carton of eggs in my fridge that is older than our relationship!
2. Begging me to reconsider won't work. No one looks good when they beg. And, in fact, it really just confirms my decision to dump your overly-sensitive and dramatic butt.
3. Asking me "Did one of your friends tell you to do this?" in an accusatory tone? Really, really, really lame. SUPER lame. I am a grown-ass woman. I don't need my friends to tell me when I need to get the hell out of a bad relationship, thankyouverymuch. Also, see #2 above and add "paranoid" to the list of reasons I dumped you.
4. IM'ing me multiple times to tell me you miss me in the week after I tell you I don't want to see you anymore? Please see #2 above. Forcing me to block you on Google chat, un-friend you on Facebook, and put your phone # into my "don't even let the phone ring" category is NOT the way to win back my heart. I 'm just sayin'
5. Oh yeah, and a bonus piece of advice, just 'cos I'm feeling generous: lying about your age, height, or both on your online dating profile = DUMB. Hint -- I'm going to figure it out sooner or later. I mean, maybe you can manage to hide your driver's license from me for a lifetime, but ain't no way in hell I'm gonna believe you're 5 foot 8 when you're wearing running shoes and I, in all my 5 foot 6 glory, STILL tower over you. In my bare feet.
XOXO,
Chris
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dear Dude #3
Dear Dude,
I am a friendly kinda girl. Really, I am. And I'm doing this whole online dating thing because I want to meet people. But, honestly, you're kinda freaking me out with this whole over-eagerness thing.
Emailing me once and then responding to any emails I send you = perfectly appropriate. Emailing me 7 times to my one email to you = woah -- back off, buddy! Also, if I don't respond 3 times in a row when you try to chat request me on Match, and then follow-up by actually turning off chat, so that you can't request me anymore, that is NOT an invitation for you to email me with your yahoo chat address, phone number, and facebook name at least 3 times.
So, to review: some excitement about my profile and eagerness to meet me = charming. A 12-1 ratio of your attempts to contact me to my responses = stalker.
xoxoxo,
Chris
(And, BTW, the folks at Match really need to get on this issue. I've set it so that this guy can't contact me at all through Match, which is easy enough, and he doesn't have my personal email or phone number or anything. But there's no way to set it on Match so that he can't see my profile anymore. And, honestly, it kinda creeps me out that he continues to look at my profile often enough that he's usually near the top of the first page of "whose viewed me" when I log in. Ewww. )
I am a friendly kinda girl. Really, I am. And I'm doing this whole online dating thing because I want to meet people. But, honestly, you're kinda freaking me out with this whole over-eagerness thing.
Emailing me once and then responding to any emails I send you = perfectly appropriate. Emailing me 7 times to my one email to you = woah -- back off, buddy! Also, if I don't respond 3 times in a row when you try to chat request me on Match, and then follow-up by actually turning off chat, so that you can't request me anymore, that is NOT an invitation for you to email me with your yahoo chat address, phone number, and facebook name at least 3 times.
So, to review: some excitement about my profile and eagerness to meet me = charming. A 12-1 ratio of your attempts to contact me to my responses = stalker.
xoxoxo,
Chris
(And, BTW, the folks at Match really need to get on this issue. I've set it so that this guy can't contact me at all through Match, which is easy enough, and he doesn't have my personal email or phone number or anything. But there's no way to set it on Match so that he can't see my profile anymore. And, honestly, it kinda creeps me out that he continues to look at my profile often enough that he's usually near the top of the first page of "whose viewed me" when I log in. Ewww. )
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
5 Surefire Ways to Make a Girl Uncomfortable on Your First Date
1. Ask her to meet you in a hotel. There's just something a little "pretty woman" about meeting a stranger in a hotel lobby.
2. Order an frou-frou girly drink from the bar and actually call it a "cocktail." Also, have a fluffy little dog, talk about how you almost wore a pink shirt today, and tell your date about how this older european man once cruised you and then tried to pick you up at a museum. Because every girl wants to worry that her date just might be batting for the other team.
3. Take her to a ridiculously expensive restaurant for dinner. Write this down: taking a girl you've never met to a place where she can't even offer to pay half the bill -- not cool. Because, well, a $40 entree is a crapload of money for those of us who work in education. (Or am I the only girl in the world who actually offers to pay on the first date?)
4. Lunge across the table in the middle of dinner at very fancy restaurant and try to shove your tongue down your date's throat. Yes, I know you are buying me a very nice dinner, but can I at least eat it before you expect me to make out with you?
5. When your date drops you off at home afterwards, introduce her to the above-mentioned little fluffy dog and then try to kiss her, again, with the dog in your arms trying to lick her face. Mmm. Dog slobber. Sexy.
(I should say that this guy was actually very nice, despite the awkwardness. But, c'mon, what's the fun in online dating if you can't make poke a little good-natured fun at your dates for the whole internet to read? :-P )
2. Order an frou-frou girly drink from the bar and actually call it a "cocktail." Also, have a fluffy little dog, talk about how you almost wore a pink shirt today, and tell your date about how this older european man once cruised you and then tried to pick you up at a museum. Because every girl wants to worry that her date just might be batting for the other team.
3. Take her to a ridiculously expensive restaurant for dinner. Write this down: taking a girl you've never met to a place where she can't even offer to pay half the bill -- not cool. Because, well, a $40 entree is a crapload of money for those of us who work in education. (Or am I the only girl in the world who actually offers to pay on the first date?)
4. Lunge across the table in the middle of dinner at very fancy restaurant and try to shove your tongue down your date's throat. Yes, I know you are buying me a very nice dinner, but can I at least eat it before you expect me to make out with you?
5. When your date drops you off at home afterwards, introduce her to the above-mentioned little fluffy dog and then try to kiss her, again, with the dog in your arms trying to lick her face. Mmm. Dog slobber. Sexy.
(I should say that this guy was actually very nice, despite the awkwardness. But, c'mon, what's the fun in online dating if you can't make poke a little good-natured fun at your dates for the whole internet to read? :-P )
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Dear Dude #2
Dear Dude,
I would like you better if you didn't come from the same (very small) town as my ex-boyfriend. I know YOU can't help that, but WTF, universe -- are you trying to mess with my head?
xoxoxo
Chris
I would like you better if you didn't come from the same (very small) town as my ex-boyfriend. I know YOU can't help that, but WTF, universe -- are you trying to mess with my head?
xoxoxo
Chris
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Dear Dude
Dear Dude,
If you don't want to date women who live outside of the city limits of San Francisco because "it's like a whole other world up there," don't put in your online dating profile that you are looking for women who live within 55 miles of San Francisco. mmmmkay? All of us lovely ladies who live in that "whole other world" thank you for not wasting our time. (And, BTW, you seem kinda full of yourself, anyway).
xoxoxo
Chris
If you don't want to date women who live outside of the city limits of San Francisco because "it's like a whole other world up there," don't put in your online dating profile that you are looking for women who live within 55 miles of San Francisco. mmmmkay? All of us lovely ladies who live in that "whole other world" thank you for not wasting our time. (And, BTW, you seem kinda full of yourself, anyway).
xoxoxo
Chris
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