Dear Dude #5

Dear Dude,

I know that getting dumped sucks. Really, I do. I've BEEN there. It's hard. It hurts your feelings. It makes you feel less-than-worthy. I GET it. That being said, there are graceful and not-so-graceful ways to handle a break-up. You, my friend, went decidedly toward the ungraceful when I broke things off with you last week. With that in mind, here is some friendly advice for next time some lovely lady decides she doesn't want to see you anymore:

1. We have only been dating for 3 weeks. It is WAY too soon for you to be (and I quote) "devastated" about us not seeing each other anymore. Seriously, dude, I have a carton of eggs in my fridge that is older than our relationship!

2. Begging me to reconsider won't work. No one looks good when they beg. And, in fact, it really just confirms my decision to dump your overly-sensitive and dramatic butt.

3. Asking me "Did one of your friends tell you to do this?" in an accusatory tone? Really, really, really lame. SUPER lame. I am a grown-ass woman. I don't need my friends to tell me when I need to get the hell out of a bad relationship, thankyouverymuch. Also, see #2 above and add "paranoid" to the list of reasons I dumped you.

4. IM'ing me multiple times to tell me you miss me in the week after I tell you I don't want to see you anymore? Please see #2 above. Forcing me to block you on Google chat, un-friend you on Facebook, and put your phone # into my "don't even let the phone ring" category is NOT the way to win back my heart. I 'm just sayin'

5. Oh yeah, and a bonus piece of advice, just 'cos I'm feeling generous: lying about your age, height, or both on your online dating profile = DUMB. Hint -- I'm going to figure it out sooner or later. I mean, maybe you can manage to hide your driver's license from me for a lifetime, but ain't no way in hell I'm gonna believe you're 5 foot 8 when you're wearing running shoes and I, in all my 5 foot 6 glory, STILL tower over you. In my bare feet.


XOXO,

Chris